I Let Him Leave
by scullyseviltwin
Summary: Scully agonizes over Mulder's disappearance...


Title: I Let Him Leave  
  
Author: ScullyAsTrinity AKA Barenaked Bostonian  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Disclaimer: I know Scully feels this way so BUG OFF CC!!!  
  
Distribution: Whatever, I don't care, just slap my name on.  
  
Category: Angst, MSR  
  
Feedback: Keeps me going! Drop me some at BNLXPhile12@aol.com  
  
Spoilers: Dead Alive, TINH  
  
Summary: Scully is trying to keep herself sane. She prays that it is working as she ponders, late into the night, please read.  
  
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OMG! I had to write this, it struck me at three in the morning and I immediately woke up and wrote it, it's short I know, but it's still worth the read.  
  
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DEDICATION: To ALL of my online friends, you really don't know what you mean to me. Especially Aiah, Lesley, Michelle and Sam... you guys are great and I want you to know that. I love you all, you're the best so *please* don't forget that. And I must say that even though I have never met some of you, you're better friends than I ever had and you really help me through some tough times, so thank you from the bottom of my heart. (And you too AMANDA!!! You're the greatest, remember always!)  
  
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How can this possibly be affecting me this way? I'm hurting myself, I'm hurting the baby, I'm hurting the baby, I'm hurting the baby...  
  
I wake up, all the time, in the middle of the night. I'm sweating or crying  
  
or talking, but it's always about him. I didn't think he meant this much to  
  
me. I didn't know. I denied it because it was wrong and neither of us had the time or the energy to death with the aftermath of our feelings. But that didn't change anything. I loved him, at least I think it's love because I've never felt anything like this before. As desperate and adolescent as I feel, that's *how I feel.* There are no other words to describe this.  
  
I know that the happiness I am feeling for the life growing within me should outweigh the grief I feel in my heart, but it doesn't. And I can't pretend it does.  
  
How did I let this happen? How did I let him go? I was on the verge, I was on the verge of changing things for us and somehow I let him leave. And somehow I knew he wouldn't be coming back. And after that night when he told me, he really told me what I meant to him, I let him leave.  
  
He was with me for five minutes, five minutes of me telling myself not to let him go.  
  
"Scully, no matter what anyone says, you have to believe that you are everything to me. And you have been, and you always will be."  
  
And I let him leave. He was too afraid to say the words, but still, she let  
  
him leave.  
  
I knew that heartache followed love, but I did not know that it could be this intense, this wrenching. I find myself drained of energy, like I never  
  
had been before. Not even after two weeks with no sleep and poor nutrition.  
  
How can I live with myself? I know it's not my fault, but how can I? How can this child be born without him here? And if he's not the father of this child... he will be. To me, to our son, or daughter.  
  
Oh God, I have to *stop* this! I need to stop blaming myself. Mulder wouldn't want it. If the Gunmen knew I was treating myself this way they would make me stay with them.  
  
Oh, the Gunmen. They've been such a brilliant star in my life since we found him. Since we put him into the ground, I refuse to say *that* word. Or even  
  
think it.  
  
They have called me every day. Reminding me of him. No matter what they talk about they remind me of him. If it hadn't been for Mulder I would have  
  
never met these extraordinary men. And they are above all incredibly intelligent. And I owe them so much. So much that I have no idea where to start.  
  
They helped me start on the search and they refuse to stop. They said they wouldn't stop until they found him. And yet they still continue to work now  
  
after... Even when it's not necessary.  
  
It's not necessary, but I want to believe that it is. I hoped so much, and I prayed, and even when I knew that it wasn't possible, I still prayed. And  
  
prayed and prayed. I want him back, but even now, even when I admit to myself that I need him. That I want him desperately and that I would give everything to tell him... just once, that I do love him. I do love him. I do, I do, I do, and I really need him to know that now. Because if he doesn't, my years with him were in vain. But even if he was here, and I had  
  
had these amazing revelations of my soul, I could not tell him these things. Maybe he would know just a fraction of what I feel, but I couldn't tell him. I know I wouldn't.  
  
I don't think that I can get these words out on paper fast enough. I feel like I'm back in high school and I have just had an amazing of wonderfully funny thing happen to me, and I can't get it out fast enough. That I will forget it before the words are on the paper, before someone else can read them and attain knowledge from them.  
  
I hope my child will. I hope they will know what grief I have gone through to gave them a good life. Grammatical sense doesn't matter to me anymore. I  
  
want to forget this ever happened, that I ever met him.  
  
Now, I think I'm sobbing, the tears stain the paper, and I'm sorry that this is all blurry now, but *I can't stop them from coming.* I've cried more in the past three months than I have in the past thirty years. I WANT HIM BACK!!! I just screamed that. I haven't really screamed in thirty years either. Even in... Mulder makes me experience new things. Oh, I love him. I  
  
miss him. I didn't think I would miss him this much but it's almost unbearable.  
  
Breathing, it doesn't seem right at the moment. And even though I know that I can go on living I do not want to.  
  
Other women don't find the one they love until it's too late. I found him, but he's gone and I have been such a fool. If not for Mulder and the X- Files I truly would have no reason to get up in the morning, for those seven some  
  
odd years. Now I have this new life that I prayed desperately for, but I can't handle it. I want to, and I will, but I can't.  
  
I need to sleep. The only sleep I get is when is spirit is with me. And the  
  
only time his spirit is with me is in my dreams. He's not truly gone, I tell myself, he's not.  
  
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THAT LAST PART WAS SCULLY FALLING ASLEEP WRITING, AS SHE SAID BEFORE, THE ONLY SLEEP SHE GETS IS WHEN HER SPIRIT IS WITH HER...... ~Leslie 


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